An Audience With Mega Fox

(Will Turner nervously enters.)

Will: Ladies and gentlemen, I must warn you that tonight we have a very powerful guest. He doesn't
       suffer fools gladly, so I should be alright...

(Audience nervously laughs)

Will: He has destroyed planets, crushed his enemies physically, mentally and spiritually.
       He is the one and only Steel Saddam himself, Mega Fox...

(Audience claps. One boos. Mega Fox runs to the audience and grabs him by the neck.)

Mega Fox: Now, before I answer any questions, I have one for you, my vocal opponent.
                Do you think I really care about strangling you in front of a live studio audience?

(The man nods nervously.)

Mega Fox: Will you serve me as my slave?

(The man nods. Mega Fox lets him go and kicks him up the backside).

Mega Fox: I have no interest in snivelling toads in my organisation.

Will: Um...how about some questions?

Ian Broxton, Bronx, US: Why do bad guys never win?

Mega Fox: Because they refuse to acknowledge their flaws. I however am programmed to achieved
                order, and as such I am flawless.

Will: And modest too?

Mega Fox: No. If you are modest, you have modest ambitions.

John Malbranque, Paris, France: What is your advice to people wishing to enter the evil genius trade?

Mega Fox: Find a suitable headquarters, hire only the elite and crush all opposition by any means necessary.

Mary Van Horn, Holland: Do you ever long to be human? To appreciate art, the feeling of rain on skin, the...

Mega Fox: Please stoping asking foolish questions. I have no more desire for such sensations as a donkey
                wishes to learn trigonometry. Please do not taunt me further with this inanity.

Will: It does beg the question though- if you were designed by an animal, why all the hatred for sentient creatures?

Mega Fox: Again, this is a non-issue. I find the chaos of your feeble worlds pointless and irritating. I wish to establish
               a world of order!

Will: O...kay. A couple more questions.

Cervantes, Spain: What is it with you and blimping AK Girl? It's weird.

Will: You have to admit, it is a pretty odd way of torturing someone.

Mega Fox: Not really, it's perfectly rational. When your opponent's mind and body are connected,
               it's logical to destroy both body and mind. It's also quite amusing- the panic induced
               causes the victim to bloat out more. This in turn creates more panic, thus increasing
               their size until they submit to their fate.

Will: Except she often gets out of it.

Mega Fox: We'll see about that. Everyone has a breaking point.

Will: Please stop looking at me like that!

Mega Fox: I apologise, force of habit. Your favourite beer is and you also like to...

Will: Are you scanning me for weaknesses?

Mega Fox: Possibly...

Clark, Kent, UK: Who would win in a fight, you or Megatron?

Mega Fox: Dear me boy, you can ask me any question at all and that's the best you can come up with?
                Whilst the fight would be fascinating, I really wouldn't waste my energy.

Will: That sounds like fighting talk to me!

Mega Fox: Unless you are Megatron's manager I strongly suggest you stay silent.

(Will stays silent.)

Mega Fox: In answer to Kyle from Colorado no I do not desire any form of female robot for company, nor do I need upgrading.
                Furthermore, Wallace of Wensleydale and Simon from Birmingham, Alabama I do not appreciate those comments
               and if you do wish to challenge me "online" I'd be more than happy. Better yet though, I will destroy you and your
               families.

 
(Will is edging towards the exit, as is most of the audience)

Mega Fox: Will, you may speak.

Will: Um...that was...great. Next week we hope to have Squirmy via interdimensional satellite. Wherever he is.